sick love

Sick love

Thought this pit in my stomach

empty feeling

was cause i was hungry

Thought this dizzy and weak

uneasy feeling

was cause i had a headache

I thought this pain in my side, felt like someone took the wind out of my life

was cause someone knocked me over

I thought this zombie like, stuck emotions

stiff thing I got going on

was cause I didn't get enough sleep

but then I remedied those feelings

I ate, drugged up, relaxed, laid down, took a nap

woke up

and realized this is was those r&b songs were talking about

when your heart is heavy and the air is thick

when your constantly thinking and suffering

This is what it is to be love sick

Got the memories on replay

tears gathering at eyes corners

Cant eat

Cant sleep

Vomit, trying to throw you up and and out of my system

wipes face, and stares at the mirror

not really looking in the mirror, for who is me

the picture is convoluted

Look at what the fuck fate did.

forced smiles

shrugs shoulders

no answers

just lost

still wondering

lonely arms

longing lips

feeling like a fool

sitting

staring

counting down

circles round and round

Endless rollercoaster

mania

depression

learned lessons

not

confused faces

brows furrowed

spontaneous half smiles

regular frowns

the are you okay's

you dont look good

thats cause i just dont feel good

The many Leave Me alones

Living just to get by to the next day

Going through the motions as clocks are ticking in the background

feeling every moment, long drawn out

life is passing

fall into slumber to be taken away

dreams and the past seems so pleasant

Forever damaged and never the same

whimpering again

damn Just finished

Hate this feeling

get wasted

immunity it gives

truce comes with the numbness

Then feeling resurfaces

lock me in a mental institution

evidence of my insanity

feel so crazy

BABY...

This is kind of dark for me. I was trying to capture the essence of illness and the feeling that one feels with love lost. Its crazy how emotions can translate into physical pain. I want to expose the poignancy of how love lost causes a gamut of emotional turmoil...It is very obvious is this poem, nothing just suggested... In the same way those feelings and pain are very real.

Thoughts for today

I am blessed. I had originally started this post and it was too negative. I was talking about how I am in a state of unrest. Turned off by what am doing and ready for the next. Then I thought, you know what, it all could be a whole lot worst. At least I am doing something. Though I am not doing exactly what I would like to do, maybe it is preparing me for what is to come. I am anxious for the future, but in due time things will unfold. I am glad to be alive and breathing! I love myself and am optimistic about future endeavors. I have said before life is not easy and that is why only the strong survive. That starts with a strong mind; a clear, untainted by substances, focused and positive mind. I want more than this. I Can Do All things Through Christ who strengthens me.

**Encouraged**

Sólo Tu

Come to me as only you can

I tremble at your embrace

I hold you tight just in case, you forget my touch

I hold you tight because I must

I want my love ingrained

imprinted on your canvas

a spot that fills and grows

like ink on a medium that absorbs, it overflows

other than me, only you know

the secrets

our private delights

mornings, noons, nights

You are exquisite

I crave your taste

only it does satisfy

Ill take anything, with You Laced

euphoria

passion

expression

you send me reeling

repeatedly

continuously

endlessly

I want this, an enduring feeling

breathless,

I am left breathless

endorphins racing

I am high

bursting with all the all the emotions I feeling inside

hmmm

sólo tu

Words

For every word you've said

its hard to believe them

Its probably because its hard to see them

Words

Words

Words

irrefutable, not

for every one I can make case for the opposite

but to you, your love is supposed to be obvious

No

Cant be

when every Word

is laced with visual contradictions

evidence seen, weighs more than that which is just heard

Trying to believe

Trying to have faith

Trying to trust

but when the past replays its song

and Doubt plays its somber yet shrill and striking tones

Its hard not to listen

Its hard to forget

That Words were said before

and thats just what they were

Words.

Dreaming

Tired of Dreaming

Want my imagination's plans to be realized

Tired of Dreaming

figments of my mind need to be tangible

I want to touch them

I want to feel them

I want to live them

Tired of Dreaming

Cause it all feels so far away

been dreaming to long

when will i wake up and really live

Old fashioned

I was able to go to my friend's Easter dinner with her family. I was graced to be able to meet her great-grandmother. She was the cutest old lady! Still up and running, talking, smiling, very active. I loved it. I aspire to be like that at the age. We were sitting by the piano looking at old pictures and there was one with her and her husband. As we were looking she tenderly grabs the picture and explained that this was her and her late husband in their younger years. I looked at her gazing at the picture and all I could see was love. I was Wowed!. She further explained more about him and then told me she was a romanticist. She then started talking about how much she loved him. She said she worshipped the ground that man walked on. I thought it was soo beautiful. I wanted to write something about it, and I will Im just not going to post it yet. I felt the love bubbling over though. It was crazy, like how is something so enduring, even after your partner passes away, that another individual can feel it.

It is rare to see that with us younger folk. Some how back then people understood (not all people of course) the WE concept. We are so individualistic and selfish nowadays that we don't always consider the greater priority, the US, that we have decided to commit ourselves to. We are so focused on how I am feeling and how the other person is making OurSelf feel that we cant get further or deeper, for the greater good. Sacrifice is a foreign concept, and both parties must adhere to it. Sacrifice doesn't mean changing who you are, it just says I making adjustments to my individual ways so that we can be, and so you can be in my life. For some reason, older folks are used to making adjustments.

Id rather be old fashioned. They lasted longer.

and now ladies and gentleman, Cee Lo Green, with Old Fashioned...

My loves' old fashioned
But it still works
Just the way it is.

This love is classic
And not just simply because
I say it is.
It's right on time (right on time)
And it's timeless (timeless)
And it'll be right here, for always.

My loves' old fashioned
So be it, I'm set in my ways.
Hush child, just listen
Don't it sound just like the good old days.

Well it's right on time (right on time)
And it's timeless (timeless)
And it'll be right here, for always (always).
My love's right one time (right on time)
And it's timeless (timeless)
I'll be right here for always.

Oooo... people they gather round, and they wonder how
Are we in love right here and now.
I just smile cause true love doesn't go out of style.
Ooh... right on time, Ooh, yes,
Ooh... on time, ooh timeless
I'll be here, for always.

Toodles Bspot...

Daily

Wake up in the morning still taste you on my lips

smile, wait a while

just savoring your kiss

close my eyes again so my senses can distinctly detect each flavor

open the eyes again smile again

send up silent prayers thanking your maker

turn over

look over

chuckle at your disposition

your coverings everywhere

looking disheveled

reminiscing about what got you there

we took it to so many levels

rest my head on your chest

squeeze you, your mines and Im yours

trail my fingers, up then down

memorizing your every contour

hold you like I am never letting go

daydreaming about the future that may unfold

fall back into slumber as the rise and fall of your chest takes me away

Drifting, but comforted knowing, I can wake up to this everyday

Winter's comfort

This is kind of part two of Remembering Winter. People often revisit the past hoping for different outcomes. I decided to revisit my old writings and write a part two. Enjoy.

Erratic as the weather

Summer when it should be winter

Why did I not stay in winter

Frozen where nothing could penetrate

Instead I toyed with spring, romanced summer

and the fall swiftly introduced pain and ache

did you not learn the Arctic was home

better off cold and alone

Glimmer of hope came from spring sun's light

only to later discover light was reflecting not coming from thee

blinding me, and now I see

my source of hope was misdirected yet again

Is there no compass, no astrology, no nothing for direction

the weather changes and takes me as it pleases

seek solace in cold winters dark, where I don't want to be, but must

for other season's fanfare I cannot trust

How did allow our spring to come again

Perhaps it was the promise of growth and of new

anticipation of summers long days with you

who knew, fall would come so soon

the decent was quick

thought a couple seasons would last before the good weather quit

false sense of security

but then again who controls the seasons

not you, not me

so winter comes regardless

back to my frozen mold...

Remembering winter by ME circa 2006

Here is my teardrop
A frozen memory in our inevitable winter
It melts,
melts when it remembers our spring
I remember its progression
first sporadically driziling, cascading faintly on my cheek
escalating as calendar pages flip
to rainstorms
a season of rainfall at its peak
I tried to find cover
but there was none
I was soaked and blinded in the storm
I could not see that the end that was before me

Close ones passed tissues
warning to dry my eyes and see the light
but there stood Eye, jackass in the rain
a fool, letting teardrops pound on my sight

Changes in the weather
stood to long and got cold
I remember the change to snow
Glad I finally let you go

Spring time comes again
For me at least....

Hahaha throwback pics from 2006

Never not love you

Never could I ever

Make you disappear

My heart, your name is tattooed there

Time doesn’t erase

My mind, envisions you clear

Never could I ever

Act like you don’t exist

Even when you are gone

And I try to forget you are always missed

Never could I ever

Act like we never happened

The smiles

The sighs

The dark nights where all we see is gazing eyes,

Hear hearts beats, and just beats

From Touching chests and thighs

Intertwined

Never could I ever

Really go away

An invisible rope does bind

Is this a soul tie?

Is this fate?

Are you my soul mate?

Never could I ever

Stop this feeling

Only briefly Paused,

Perhaps, held in abeyance

Like waiting to catch your breath

After you gasp

Never could I ever

See life with out you

Lost without you

Never could I ever

Not love you.

Love or insanity

I was talking to a friend and that made me think. I feel like everybody just waiting to get fucked over. Females esp. We have all seen friends, mothers, cousins, aunts, grandmas and whoever get messed over, tricked or some other foul happening. I think we expect it. It's really messed up that this expectation, in an underlying way, creeps into our thinking. It effects how we interact with our significant others. We always feel like we have to make up a back up plan. I feel like we arm our selves up for war even when there is no battle in sight. We are taught to be skeptical of people. Of men, particularly. We have to be sometimes, because this world is crazy. Where is the limit though? I often wonder if women are doing a self-fufilling prophecy, pushing our men away by not believing that they will do right. Additionally, I feel like we also try play the real laid back role, where we try not to care so much and that still ends up being a mess. Where is the happy MEDIUM!! Whats that song...Everybody plays the fool...sometimes... no exception to the rule. I think thats how it goes, and its true we all have to play the fool role in relationship sometimes. Hopefully not too many times.

My grandmother, or some older person told me that love is the best times and the worst of times. I just pray that in my love situation (s) or what have you, the best of times outweigh the worst of times.

Untitled

I wish I could get out of my emotions

And into my head

Can’t even think straight

All I know is my heart rate ain’t been right

Its on overdrive and it took over the fight

But for some reason it doesn’t have any sense

Offense Then Defense

Then reverse

The decisions its making

The moves its taking

Is it even debating, or acting only on impulse

Its not logical at all

To be honest the heart doesn’t think

Nor is it specific or actions distinct

If only the object of its affection

Knew his power of pleasure and affliction

Perhaps My Heart does know the power he wields

And is purposeful

And the heart allows what the head would shield.

OH Heart!
OH heart

Stop beating, because you know not what you do

Make me into genius and into fool

But I guess love and life are integrated

And with out My Heart I die

Apocalypse

If it were the end of the world

what would I do

i run home to the arms of you

thats the place i want to stay

the only somewhere my heart seeks to be

the only location thats right for me

to spend those last moments of breath

you in view

the wrongs of the past would die with me and you

Our.

Love.

Lasts.

Forever.

it is transcendent.

HIPPIe ME

swaying in the wind

I am happy

I am peace

I am full of contentment

No responsibility except to enjoy all that is good

Movement or not

I am the epitome of joy

No raining on my parade

as i let the sun of good life run its warm fingers all over me

laying in the grass admiring the sky

if only i could get so high

spinning fancy

skipping and dancing

I am smiling

I am light

what is misery

never came for tea

we dont socialize

floating

my freedom is immeasurable

no worries

no cares

rolling

enveloped in lifes sweet caress

relax

reeeelaaaax

release

just Be

I Am hippie me...

The unexpected

I've come to expect the unexpected. I should be shocked at the surprises life throws me. I do say WOW, but daily there is something occurring that I did not see coming. Today was one of those days, I have had a couple WOW days back to back recently. What is going on world? lol. I was so happy today. It felt good, the weather was nice, and my day ended quite lovely. Refreshing actually! Never thought it would be like this. I cant wait to see what happens next. The story is unfolding before my very eyes. How quickly do things change....WOW

Going to sleep with a smile

Night Bspot!

Untitled

Screaming through a sound proof wall

This is what the caged animal must feel like

Solemnly staring, once the internal rant is over

Confused from misuse

Should be free, but trapped in misery

This is why there is revolution

When requesting change back to better or for the better,

Results in no restitution

This is why I take up arms, fight with all my might

Though silent my plight

Silent suffering, but still indication of suffering

My demeanor doesn’t lie

Through cracked voice, in explanation, you hear my cry

Disregarded

So I take action

I’ve departed

Heart rescued from that which dared bring it harm

Eyes un-blinded from charms

Freed and frolicking in fields of unknown wonder

Natural habitat out yonder

But the temptation

Reminiscent sounds of comfortable familiarity send underlying tones

Come back to where you belong

Memories reach out with open arms

RUN.

Assumptions get you killed

Assumptions get you killed. But Ms. we assume things everyday. I know I know. I wasn't saying you literally get killed. It was more metaphorically, if anything. Although it is very well possible to get killed from making assumptions. Stupid. Stupid. Anyway, I am talking about when you assume things about another individual. We assume that the people we love will be alive tomorrow. We assume that the people we count on will always be there. We assume people will never do things they do. Maybe its that we hope, and without the hope/ assumption we couldn't exist I guess. Well back to my point (tangents!!), I feel like when one assumes something about someone and when that assumption is not met or fulfilled, something in you dies. Especially, when those assumptions are based in logic. You are my parent, so I assume you should be there. You are my lover, significant other..I assume that you will care for me and avoid hurting me. Why is it that very often these assumptions are not realized? Is the world that sick and twisted of a place? Is it better to just isolate yourself? Are these Un-met assumptions unavoidable. I think so, but that is life. So what to do next? You recognize that the assumption of another is not always what is real and then you move on with your life. You recognize that every relationship is not a dream come true and you learn from it. You don't operate victimized, rather you leave empowered. Otherwise, you are then burdened with miseries that will plague you for life.

This was a great psycho-babble. In layman's terms it kinda goes like this. You assume people are what you dream them to be, or even what they seem to be. They are not, more often then not they disappoint you. You are hurt. You are sad. You feel murdered. You feel betrayed. You feel unloved. You may feel unworthy, insignificant, and unimportant. But it is not the end. You can survive. Assumptions don't define you. They are just a temporary explanation for how someone Should be. Recognize it for that, and don't dwell on the faults of another. Do you. Choose you. Choose to live better than the BS they presented to you. Life goes on.

Hello Old friend

I cant believe I have not blogged since feb 07, 2011

What a failure at life, so not winning.

I dont really have much to write about and then alot to right about the same time. I guess the words just wont come out. I hate this feeling. It is worst than a writers block. At least with a writers block there is nothing. No direction and no inspiration. The words dont exist. How I am feeling right now, I am sure there are words to capture its essence. I am thinking so many thing write now, but they wont come out! Shit! Yea, I used an expletive so what. The other words in my native tongue of English will not reveal themselves so I will resolve to use more debased forms of expression. SHIT! I should right something about this. No I wont because that will be more tangental and drive me further into the muddle that I am only, as of yet, on the fringes off. I stand teetering on the edge, dont know if I will fall in and drawn or just end up in perpetual fighting of it. I dont know what to do. I am in limbo. In purgatory. Save me. Guide me. Show me. (Mikaela's Plea)

I wish it was a simple as someone telling me what to do and then me fulfill the order. I wish I could snap my finger and everything fall into place. I wish this came with a guidebook or a map with hints. I am wandering blindly and bumping into everything. Why didnt I have a preview. Perhaps I did have one and was caught up in the imaginative recesses of my mind where only splendid things occur and i missed it. By Jove, I missed it.

Night. Sleep tight

B spot got me right.

MMM

Diary's Secrets #1

So from time to time I've decided to post some excerpts of poems and such from my diaries. Nothing tooo crazy or personal. Just little tidbits I feel like sharing...

Never thought I would long for what we once had

Never though I would long to hear your voice so bad

Never thought I would long for your touch

Never thought I would miss you so much

Now we play like there was nothing there

Now we act like neither of us care

Now we act like strangers when we re-meet

I raise my hands, give up in defeat

Gave up on the we that we once were

However in my heart there alway be be a place that is yours

I miss those yesterdays

The days we used to share

did they really exist?

so long ago did they occur

fading, hazy, evaporating into a blurr

Faintly do I remember the imprint of your caress

if I close my eyes and focus I can tune into the beat of your chest

nostalgia hits when i go certain places

hear certain sounds

smell certain things

I can think of the faces

the faces you made in those moments past

and then i come back to reality

does nothing last?

An ode to Natural

I LOVE MY HAIR

Natural is the only way, try it if you dare

Love All my kinks and curls

Natural rules the World

Oh so Versatile

Lovin this natural style

Natural= The Best

So what if I'm biased :P

I miss you

I have always had difficulty with the whole I miss you thing. i rarely miss people and if I do miss them they were important. Like i used to see them everyday or regularly and now I dont. We used to hang out and now we dont. We used to talk frequently and now we dont. I just really despise how loosely the word is thrown around. Ive always been the type to say what I mean and mean what I say. So it is with clenched teeth and and awkward smile I sometimes respond I miss you. What are you supposed to say when someone you dont miss says I miss you. Say "awww thats so nice." Believe me I have tried almost every avoidance technique. They usually dont go over to well

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Valentine

I love you extraordinarily
Because ordinarily
The the things you do, wouldnt be for me
Usually
I would be done you see
But your the exception to my rules
Ill be the dummy, yup im the fool
For you, Love made me stupid
Yea he got me,
Shot me
Dat nigga cupid
And so I love you
Your my valentine
Automatically be mine
Through the good bad,happy,sad
Shoot all time
And thats fine

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To Much to Know To Little Time

There is a wealth of information circulating in this world. Knowledge that has been passed down though the ages and recent discoveries emerging daily. How to do we sift through tons of information and only decipher what is relevant and useful. There so many things I would like to know and yet I am burdened with thought that I may never really get to understand all of them. I read books, blogs, magazines, newspapers, texts, everything! I cant get enough. Then there are the topics in school that I have to grasp as well. Its like when will I experience and overload.

What am I going to do with all this information. Sometimes this whole school thing makes me forget about the real world because I don't always get to apply my knowledge. It feels like I learn for nothing. Then I get my "real world" experiences through internships or whatever, but I don't really feel like I am applying the knowledge either. I feel yet again, uninvolved, the sideline observer. The learner, the sifter of information ( that I don't use, I just gather). I want to do something with the things that I know. Otherwise, it is all just sitting here in my head. What to do? What to do? Start my own? I plan on it. But I also still feel like I don't know enough to start my own, sooo then I go back again with the school learning. UHHHH! Maybe I should just throw myself out there. On the job training. Have to think on my feet. That is the true test. Right? Or is preparation the only way to go? Well back to preparing for now, I have to go read my text book and write notes.

School over Bspot Today.

Cant stop wont stop, time doesn't stop

What is Lonely...

The difference between yesterday and today is

Today I am alone

only because you are not physically by my side

In Yesterday's I was LONELY

Living

Only

Never

Ever

Loving

You

from that state of yesterday to this one today

I know I can survive

Loneliness forever subsides

Alone and I Cant wait for your return to Me my LOVE

I just want to Touch YOU

The littlest things

I swear some of the most smallest things bring joy to my day. I have decided to compile a list and reflect on the littlest things that make me smile.

Great Melt-in-your-mouth-sleep-induced-itis FOOD

Pillows

Christmas mints (The soft chewy ones, I get them every year)

Surprise baked soft n gooey cookies (chocolate chips are the bests)

Bubble baths

Flowers in an inappropriate or not typical settings (like in cracked concrete, or sad areas)

Homeade goods (funky jewelry, clothes, cool stuff etc)

Fluffy blankets

The Breeze

Colors

The Sun on a Spring Day (moderate temperature)

The rain on Summer nights

Smooth music

Painting my nails (or someone painting them for me :))

Dancing

Singing really loud for no reason

Holding Hands

Good smelling lotions and perfumes

Spontaneous missions

Calypso and Soca

Moments with the family

Drawing and Painting

Hanging out/partying with friends

Great Conversations

Undivided attention

Books, that make me mesmerized

Laughing Hard

Big Hugs

Long Kisses

Back Rubs, shoot Body Rubs

Good Movie

my sisters face, and laugh

my brothers talks

The Triangle

Love

Saying you'll be there, and be there

reliability ( like how I know no matter what, Daddy is coming through)

Mommy being silly

Listening

Pancakes (so many last min trips to Ihop)

Waffle House too!!

Accents

Outrageous, Big and Gaudy rings

Shopping

The perfect fit

pretty lipstick

Nights in with my girls, just sitting chilling and talking

Relaxing with my babe

Joking with my babe

Talking with my babe

_____with my babe

being with my babe

My babe

LLS!

Being mad at my babe, then not

A good cry, the crazy faces I make in the mirror during and after LOL

Going to the Park and playing

Swings!

eating in general

Carnival

There is more but I have to get back to my work now. I have passed my get work done deadline twice. Shit!

Ill do part 2 some other time

Damn Bspot

You made me feel good though

MMM

Nothing in particular

I dont have anything really to talk about right now. I am just sitting here in my apt. sipping on some sangria, supposed to be working on this presentation, but not. I don't know why I get so distracted from my work sometimes. I don't even really feel like doing it. I kind of want these next ten months to go by fast, which they probably will because that is how life goes, but on the other hand I don't because I don't know what in the world I will do after these months are over. I don't know if I am truly maximizing my time here. Then again Im not sure how to maximize my time here. I have an internship now. I have school and yet Im not sure if I am doing the right things. Sometimes I long to home so bad, but for what. What am I possibly going to do that is sooooo much better then what I am doing now. Nothing. I would be in the same predicament; trying to figure it out. LOL. Is this how life goes. Honestly I have started to think about joining the military. That would give me structure, money, and something to do with myself. Would I love it? Probably not. Would I like it. In ways I would. I could make it work. I could make anything work as long as I can pay my bills. Well i couldnt make being a stripper or prostitute work, but other than that I pretty flexible. I could make anything work that wouldnt disturb my self-love.

Sometimes I wish I could just escape the world with some special person, go re-populate our special island, eat, drink and be merry. I understand why the hippie movement started. So chill! Fry some brain cells, have fun, support some cause, sway to music, and live. I should start a new hippie movement. Who cares about the country's financial problems or the recession. Who needs war. Lets just hold hands and have peace n love. Listening to the Beatles right now BTW! I rub your back you rub mines and lets have a good time. GRoovY BaBy!

I understand the plight of my age group. Of course because I am in it. We are stuck between childhood and real life and both sides are pulling on us. We have to decide am I going to grow up and become the adult or try to maintain childhood just seeking fun and merriment. I sooooo want to choose the latter sometimes.

Anywho

Next song just came up on my Itunes. Beyonce He's my man. What a joke. This message she is giving young women. She is talking about how other women, I am assuming her friends, are pointing out the flaws in her man, but she doesnt care because of the way he makes her feel. No matter what she gonna be there. What the hell! See this is why us young women are fools. We go off what He makes us feel. He makes a feel good and special, but what about the other crap he does....Lol...but hey Beyonce says no matter what be there...haha! Then she wants to talk about how she doesnt want to be the Broken-hearted girl. My itunes mix is trying to make a funny. Showing her hypocrisy. I probably should stop listening to her right now though. I am liable to cry. haha!

bye Bspot clearly the sangria is starting to talk to me.

kisses n hugs!

Bereft

Bereft

left without you

my possession

Disappearing acts

magician

now here now not

Decisions

Should I stay Should I go

never know

what future holds

Crossroads

dizzy with consternation

evasion

accepting resolve

pining for change

no evolving

the same

Longing

Bereft

I was just thinking about this time in my life. Sometimes I feel like i missing something. Thats why I thought of the word Bereft which means (as told by webster) deprived or robbed of the possession of something; lacking something needed, wanted or, expected. I guess Im searching for the missing link or piece. I'll find it eventually...

BSpot Chillin..

toodles

Occupied

I love being busy. I like passing out after a hard day, but not everyday. I need balance too. I will be getting it starting friday. Im liking this though. I have to be better with my time management. Get all my work done for the most part on the weekends and grind out during the week. Action plan in place. Ready. Set. Go.

I was gonna say break. like I was in a huddle and now I was going to action, but i was not sure if that was right. 0_O. haha. I am delirious forreal. FTW im tired. NIght NIght BSpot

What IF

I wish I could go back to the day I met you and walk away

What would have been had we never met that day

I never caught your eye and you never caught mine

Would my life be sublime?

What if we could turn the hands of time?

And plan to avert

To avoid the pain and hurt

If people could really start again

Would we even have relationship

Would we even be friends

If I could make things afresh and anew

I would have nothing to do with you

Live today

For tomorrow is gone

The past is stagnant

The future is unknown

Today is moldable

Over yesterday and Tomorrow you have No power

Only today.

Second by Second

Minute by Minute

Hour by Hour

Now is only relevant

Past and Future you cannot dwell in

So

All you can do is

Live today

Why do we often plague ourselves with the question "What IF" We can do nothing to change the past, but many times it is the focal point or determining factor in our decision making. Yes, we should learn from past mistakes, but dwell on them, no. Of course things did happen, we had experiences that truly impacted us and even made us into the people we are today. I've decided to change my mindset. I dont want to wonder what if anymore. I think I will try to live life with the "What's next" philosophy. Live for today and not what happened yesterday. The past does not define today and with that goodnight BSPOt

TOODLES LOVE Muffins!

Chef MIMI

Im really starting to get into cooking again. I used to be against it because I thought of it as taunting myself. I didnt like the tease of waiting for the food to be ready. I just wanted to eat. Im over that nonsense now, instead I like the whole process of seeing the food coming together. I like seasoning and trying different things. Ive started baking and its waaaayy more fun to make things from scratch. Tonight I was supposed to make buttermilk fried chicken (its seasoned and sitting in the fridge), candy yams, macaroni pie (macaroni and cheese), and green beans. I got distracted my setting up my room. I guess it all works out because Ill just make it tomorrow and eat it for sat and sun dinner. Later on this week I am gonna make curry chicken, I may try my hand at doubles and see how that goes. I have to get a recipe. I also want to make sorrel or mauby this week. YUMSTER. hopefully I have time. I have plenty of food in my kitchen to try new stuff. I am really excited. I have sum dishes under my belt, but by the time 2012 comes, I should be able to make a whole cookbook, with the recipes I have in my head!

Tentative cooking plans:

I wanna make

orange chicken

garlic and ginger fried chicken wings

gumbo

sharberry shorcake

apple pie/apple crisp

callaloo

pelau

potato salad

other ways to make cornish hen

other salmon recipes

other fish recipes

florentine steak

pepper steak

peach cobbler

yeast rolls

arroz con pollo

lobster (stuffed too)

a variety of cakes and cookies

and a whole list of cultural foods from different countries

The list goes on!

Im really really excited

Not only is cooking going to be big for me in 2011, but I also plan on drawing and painting more. Additionally I want to sew.

I am really trying to organize my apt now, so I can just straighten up and not have to clean extensively. I can spend my time doing other things. Including my work for school, which I want to start doing more in advance as well.

Life. I am getting there!

Ta Ta Bspot

Thoughts of someone who should be sleeping

Today i fit my sign as far as the moody emotional. I definitely had some highs and lows. Sometimes i wish people could read minds,but only when you wanted them to. O well. It was a very unproductive snow day. I laid around. I relaxed. I pondered about life. I was upset. I was happy. I heard something disturbing. I laughed and laughed hard. I ate good. Today was a good day. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

BTW ive been thinking and I have been blessed with some great friends. Some who give me advice. Others for laughing and keeping it light. Friends to hang out, party, and have a great time with. A group of people i cant be real with. The love crazy me and I love em too. I just want to thank God for the people he put in my life. I love them. I have varying but all great relationships with each of them. Some people know all people and have the ultimate social network but only have one true friend. Other people have nothing at all. I have a few extraordinary friends and I appreciate them so much. Thank you guys for being my friends. Life would not be the same without you all.

I feel truly favored. I really have to thank God.
In this journey of life I never really been alone. I may have felt lonely at times, but in the grand scheme of things and compared to others ive pretty much dodged the bullet. No crazies for me. None ever hopefully n God willing.

You know this is great going to sleep in peace. Despite some of todays upsets n dissapointments at he end of the day I know it could have been worst.
Blessed Indeed.
Toodlea n nite nite bspot

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On my phone

Oh-em-gelly ive now dowloaded the blogger app on my phone. Im gonna be a blogger/addict/lunatic person. Well perhapa not to that extent, but i will definitely be blogging more often now that I can blog on the go. I can create special days to devote topics and all that. Post pics. Give play by plays of my random thoughts Wow. I am a tad bit too excited. Is this a sign that I have no life. Lol just kidding. Am I??

Any who i have been debating whether to debut my blog. Im not sure yet. I never have told anyone I blog..well minus a couple people. We shall see. Its not like someone couldnt somehow come across my page.( double neg.. i kno dont care :P) If i broadcast it I may get more traffic in here. Mostly curious eyes and those tormented by boredom..but hey its people nonetheless.

Btw i had an Amazing chill day. I read, surfed the net, ate sum.good food in my place of residence ( no eating out for me), n had finished the day off with relax combo#idk strawberry icecream,bubble bath, dim lights n music. Now im blogging myself to sleep (instead of counting sheepies
I guess). Actually im tired, pooped this little mind massage has been soothing. Deeply relaxing.
Toodles Bspot mwah

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What If

I wish I could go back to the day I met you and walk away

What would have been we never met that day

I never caught your eye and you never caught mine

Would my life be sublime?

What if we could turn the hands of time?

And plan to avert

To avoid the pain and hurt

If people could really start again

Would we even have relationship

Would we even be friends

If I could make things afresh and anew

I would have nothing to do with you

Encounter

One look stopped me in my tracks

From there I was on a mission

I already had it envisioned

Seduce and conquer

You would be mines

If only for one Night

As Luther did sing

U gone like this shit

But I don’t need a ring

I need a right now

It’s only a matter of how

So I sashayed

I didn’t have to use words

I laughed at the right time

Gave you the eye

Even let your body brush my thigh

Subtle hints

Disguised my demands

I know you wanted it

So I set forth plans

Danced

So you could see the roll of my hips

With the song I sang, paused, and licked my lips

Took a couple of drinks

So you would think I was loosey goosey

Got myself in a trance thinking of how you would use me

But how to get you alone

The next target on my list

But ah hah, your on it

Didn’t even have to wish

Made your way to my private sanctuary

Where I bow my head and close my eyes

Instead of the usual soft breathing

Commenced your groans and my sighs

Yea.

knew from that first look that we would see eye to eye

we didn’t even have to try.

So intense, your rock and my motion

Ecstasy the only emotion

And then an explosion

Again?

Again?

Aight honey, we don’t need a break

Get it all before its to late

Because just how our bodies didn’t have to imply Hi

Eventually it was gonna be goodbye..

And we have to leave satisfied…

Reliable

Sometimes I wonder if you can rely on anyone in this world? I count on my parents, my family, and myself. But can you even really depend on them? We are all fallible creatures. For that reason alone should one expect the worst out of someone, or even have no expectations at all. Is this where hope and faith play their roles? Should you allow people to be innocent until they are proven guilty when it comes to reliability? Or assume they are guilty and wont be reliable until they have a proven track record of coming through when you need them and even when you don't? I wonder which stance I should take. Which will lead to less dissapointment?

What about when someone consistently proves that they are unreliable? The people who say they will do things and don't. You call them in crisis and they are unresponsive. Why continue to subject yourself to their nonsense? They are inconsistent. Is it because you like them... You enjoy their company.. they have been around so long you are soooo used to them..or even because of Love?

Its hard to let people go, especially when you have created deep attachments and special bonds. Honestly though if people were to cut off everyone who has done them wrong would any relationships exist? Then again wouldn't it be better to eliminate those who are on their third fourth and fifth rounds of being sources of pain and anguish.

Human dilemmas and tragedies are for the birds. I think I will just live and stop wondering for now because our habits as people don't make sense.

New Year-Determined

Life is flying by expeditiously and I feel like I am barely hanging on in this rush.

Everything is happening soooo quickly. I am already in my second term in grad school. My christmas break is over and I am headed back to grind at school for the next ten months. I know i will have my masters at the end of it, but it is going by so quickly that i'm not sure if I am grasping everything. I am passing of course, but is the information truly ingrained. Im not certain.

I also don't feel invested in this process. I need to get my mind right and wrapped around it, however, despite my daily pep talk I still find myself drifting back into either la la land or a lazy slump.

I gotta find a life out there by school. I am detached and need a connections. I guess that would be my New Years Resolution. I resolve to do better. My father is always telling me I am doing this so I can have a better future, for my kids, and its way bigger than just me. Its hard to make the concept will me to move, to do. It does not inspire the passion that I seek. I am thoroughly intrigued by some of the things I am learning. I wish I could do the application part. Maybe that is what I lack, the hands on aspect.

I need a job in the field ::crosses fingers::. I hope I get one. I WILL get one.

Determined

Bye BSpot..aaahhhh much better