I miss you

I have always had difficulty with the whole I miss you thing. i rarely miss people and if I do miss them they were important. Like i used to see them everyday or regularly and now I dont. We used to hang out and now we dont. We used to talk frequently and now we dont. I just really despise how loosely the word is thrown around. Ive always been the type to say what I mean and mean what I say. So it is with clenched teeth and and awkward smile I sometimes respond I miss you. What are you supposed to say when someone you dont miss says I miss you. Say "awww thats so nice." Believe me I have tried almost every avoidance technique. They usually dont go over to well

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Valentine

I love you extraordinarily
Because ordinarily
The the things you do, wouldnt be for me
Usually
I would be done you see
But your the exception to my rules
Ill be the dummy, yup im the fool
For you, Love made me stupid
Yea he got me,
Shot me
Dat nigga cupid
And so I love you
Your my valentine
Automatically be mine
Through the good bad,happy,sad
Shoot all time
And thats fine

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To Much to Know To Little Time

There is a wealth of information circulating in this world. Knowledge that has been passed down though the ages and recent discoveries emerging daily. How to do we sift through tons of information and only decipher what is relevant and useful. There so many things I would like to know and yet I am burdened with thought that I may never really get to understand all of them. I read books, blogs, magazines, newspapers, texts, everything! I cant get enough. Then there are the topics in school that I have to grasp as well. Its like when will I experience and overload.

What am I going to do with all this information. Sometimes this whole school thing makes me forget about the real world because I don't always get to apply my knowledge. It feels like I learn for nothing. Then I get my "real world" experiences through internships or whatever, but I don't really feel like I am applying the knowledge either. I feel yet again, uninvolved, the sideline observer. The learner, the sifter of information ( that I don't use, I just gather). I want to do something with the things that I know. Otherwise, it is all just sitting here in my head. What to do? What to do? Start my own? I plan on it. But I also still feel like I don't know enough to start my own, sooo then I go back again with the school learning. UHHHH! Maybe I should just throw myself out there. On the job training. Have to think on my feet. That is the true test. Right? Or is preparation the only way to go? Well back to preparing for now, I have to go read my text book and write notes.

School over Bspot Today.

Cant stop wont stop, time doesn't stop

What is Lonely...

The difference between yesterday and today is

Today I am alone

only because you are not physically by my side

In Yesterday's I was LONELY

Living

Only

Never

Ever

Loving

You

from that state of yesterday to this one today

I know I can survive

Loneliness forever subsides

Alone and I Cant wait for your return to Me my LOVE

I just want to Touch YOU

The littlest things

I swear some of the most smallest things bring joy to my day. I have decided to compile a list and reflect on the littlest things that make me smile.

Great Melt-in-your-mouth-sleep-induced-itis FOOD

Pillows

Christmas mints (The soft chewy ones, I get them every year)

Surprise baked soft n gooey cookies (chocolate chips are the bests)

Bubble baths

Flowers in an inappropriate or not typical settings (like in cracked concrete, or sad areas)

Homeade goods (funky jewelry, clothes, cool stuff etc)

Fluffy blankets

The Breeze

Colors

The Sun on a Spring Day (moderate temperature)

The rain on Summer nights

Smooth music

Painting my nails (or someone painting them for me :))

Dancing

Singing really loud for no reason

Holding Hands

Good smelling lotions and perfumes

Spontaneous missions

Calypso and Soca

Moments with the family

Drawing and Painting

Hanging out/partying with friends

Great Conversations

Undivided attention

Books, that make me mesmerized

Laughing Hard

Big Hugs

Long Kisses

Back Rubs, shoot Body Rubs

Good Movie

my sisters face, and laugh

my brothers talks

The Triangle

Love

Saying you'll be there, and be there

reliability ( like how I know no matter what, Daddy is coming through)

Mommy being silly

Listening

Pancakes (so many last min trips to Ihop)

Waffle House too!!

Accents

Outrageous, Big and Gaudy rings

Shopping

The perfect fit

pretty lipstick

Nights in with my girls, just sitting chilling and talking

Relaxing with my babe

Joking with my babe

Talking with my babe

_____with my babe

being with my babe

My babe

LLS!

Being mad at my babe, then not

A good cry, the crazy faces I make in the mirror during and after LOL

Going to the Park and playing

Swings!

eating in general

Carnival

There is more but I have to get back to my work now. I have passed my get work done deadline twice. Shit!

Ill do part 2 some other time

Damn Bspot

You made me feel good though

MMM

Nothing in particular

I dont have anything really to talk about right now. I am just sitting here in my apt. sipping on some sangria, supposed to be working on this presentation, but not. I don't know why I get so distracted from my work sometimes. I don't even really feel like doing it. I kind of want these next ten months to go by fast, which they probably will because that is how life goes, but on the other hand I don't because I don't know what in the world I will do after these months are over. I don't know if I am truly maximizing my time here. Then again Im not sure how to maximize my time here. I have an internship now. I have school and yet Im not sure if I am doing the right things. Sometimes I long to home so bad, but for what. What am I possibly going to do that is sooooo much better then what I am doing now. Nothing. I would be in the same predicament; trying to figure it out. LOL. Is this how life goes. Honestly I have started to think about joining the military. That would give me structure, money, and something to do with myself. Would I love it? Probably not. Would I like it. In ways I would. I could make it work. I could make anything work as long as I can pay my bills. Well i couldnt make being a stripper or prostitute work, but other than that I pretty flexible. I could make anything work that wouldnt disturb my self-love.

Sometimes I wish I could just escape the world with some special person, go re-populate our special island, eat, drink and be merry. I understand why the hippie movement started. So chill! Fry some brain cells, have fun, support some cause, sway to music, and live. I should start a new hippie movement. Who cares about the country's financial problems or the recession. Who needs war. Lets just hold hands and have peace n love. Listening to the Beatles right now BTW! I rub your back you rub mines and lets have a good time. GRoovY BaBy!

I understand the plight of my age group. Of course because I am in it. We are stuck between childhood and real life and both sides are pulling on us. We have to decide am I going to grow up and become the adult or try to maintain childhood just seeking fun and merriment. I sooooo want to choose the latter sometimes.

Anywho

Next song just came up on my Itunes. Beyonce He's my man. What a joke. This message she is giving young women. She is talking about how other women, I am assuming her friends, are pointing out the flaws in her man, but she doesnt care because of the way he makes her feel. No matter what she gonna be there. What the hell! See this is why us young women are fools. We go off what He makes us feel. He makes a feel good and special, but what about the other crap he does....Lol...but hey Beyonce says no matter what be there...haha! Then she wants to talk about how she doesnt want to be the Broken-hearted girl. My itunes mix is trying to make a funny. Showing her hypocrisy. I probably should stop listening to her right now though. I am liable to cry. haha!

bye Bspot clearly the sangria is starting to talk to me.

kisses n hugs!

Bereft

Bereft

left without you

my possession

Disappearing acts

magician

now here now not

Decisions

Should I stay Should I go

never know

what future holds

Crossroads

dizzy with consternation

evasion

accepting resolve

pining for change

no evolving

the same

Longing

Bereft

I was just thinking about this time in my life. Sometimes I feel like i missing something. Thats why I thought of the word Bereft which means (as told by webster) deprived or robbed of the possession of something; lacking something needed, wanted or, expected. I guess Im searching for the missing link or piece. I'll find it eventually...

BSpot Chillin..

toodles

Occupied

I love being busy. I like passing out after a hard day, but not everyday. I need balance too. I will be getting it starting friday. Im liking this though. I have to be better with my time management. Get all my work done for the most part on the weekends and grind out during the week. Action plan in place. Ready. Set. Go.

I was gonna say break. like I was in a huddle and now I was going to action, but i was not sure if that was right. 0_O. haha. I am delirious forreal. FTW im tired. NIght NIght BSpot

What IF

I wish I could go back to the day I met you and walk away

What would have been had we never met that day

I never caught your eye and you never caught mine

Would my life be sublime?

What if we could turn the hands of time?

And plan to avert

To avoid the pain and hurt

If people could really start again

Would we even have relationship

Would we even be friends

If I could make things afresh and anew

I would have nothing to do with you

Live today

For tomorrow is gone

The past is stagnant

The future is unknown

Today is moldable

Over yesterday and Tomorrow you have No power

Only today.

Second by Second

Minute by Minute

Hour by Hour

Now is only relevant

Past and Future you cannot dwell in

So

All you can do is

Live today

Why do we often plague ourselves with the question "What IF" We can do nothing to change the past, but many times it is the focal point or determining factor in our decision making. Yes, we should learn from past mistakes, but dwell on them, no. Of course things did happen, we had experiences that truly impacted us and even made us into the people we are today. I've decided to change my mindset. I dont want to wonder what if anymore. I think I will try to live life with the "What's next" philosophy. Live for today and not what happened yesterday. The past does not define today and with that goodnight BSPOt

TOODLES LOVE Muffins!

Chef MIMI

Im really starting to get into cooking again. I used to be against it because I thought of it as taunting myself. I didnt like the tease of waiting for the food to be ready. I just wanted to eat. Im over that nonsense now, instead I like the whole process of seeing the food coming together. I like seasoning and trying different things. Ive started baking and its waaaayy more fun to make things from scratch. Tonight I was supposed to make buttermilk fried chicken (its seasoned and sitting in the fridge), candy yams, macaroni pie (macaroni and cheese), and green beans. I got distracted my setting up my room. I guess it all works out because Ill just make it tomorrow and eat it for sat and sun dinner. Later on this week I am gonna make curry chicken, I may try my hand at doubles and see how that goes. I have to get a recipe. I also want to make sorrel or mauby this week. YUMSTER. hopefully I have time. I have plenty of food in my kitchen to try new stuff. I am really excited. I have sum dishes under my belt, but by the time 2012 comes, I should be able to make a whole cookbook, with the recipes I have in my head!

Tentative cooking plans:

I wanna make

orange chicken

garlic and ginger fried chicken wings

gumbo

sharberry shorcake

apple pie/apple crisp

callaloo

pelau

potato salad

other ways to make cornish hen

other salmon recipes

other fish recipes

florentine steak

pepper steak

peach cobbler

yeast rolls

arroz con pollo

lobster (stuffed too)

a variety of cakes and cookies

and a whole list of cultural foods from different countries

The list goes on!

Im really really excited

Not only is cooking going to be big for me in 2011, but I also plan on drawing and painting more. Additionally I want to sew.

I am really trying to organize my apt now, so I can just straighten up and not have to clean extensively. I can spend my time doing other things. Including my work for school, which I want to start doing more in advance as well.

Life. I am getting there!

Ta Ta Bspot

Thoughts of someone who should be sleeping

Today i fit my sign as far as the moody emotional. I definitely had some highs and lows. Sometimes i wish people could read minds,but only when you wanted them to. O well. It was a very unproductive snow day. I laid around. I relaxed. I pondered about life. I was upset. I was happy. I heard something disturbing. I laughed and laughed hard. I ate good. Today was a good day. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

BTW ive been thinking and I have been blessed with some great friends. Some who give me advice. Others for laughing and keeping it light. Friends to hang out, party, and have a great time with. A group of people i cant be real with. The love crazy me and I love em too. I just want to thank God for the people he put in my life. I love them. I have varying but all great relationships with each of them. Some people know all people and have the ultimate social network but only have one true friend. Other people have nothing at all. I have a few extraordinary friends and I appreciate them so much. Thank you guys for being my friends. Life would not be the same without you all.

I feel truly favored. I really have to thank God.
In this journey of life I never really been alone. I may have felt lonely at times, but in the grand scheme of things and compared to others ive pretty much dodged the bullet. No crazies for me. None ever hopefully n God willing.

You know this is great going to sleep in peace. Despite some of todays upsets n dissapointments at he end of the day I know it could have been worst.
Blessed Indeed.
Toodlea n nite nite bspot

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On my phone

Oh-em-gelly ive now dowloaded the blogger app on my phone. Im gonna be a blogger/addict/lunatic person. Well perhapa not to that extent, but i will definitely be blogging more often now that I can blog on the go. I can create special days to devote topics and all that. Post pics. Give play by plays of my random thoughts Wow. I am a tad bit too excited. Is this a sign that I have no life. Lol just kidding. Am I??

Any who i have been debating whether to debut my blog. Im not sure yet. I never have told anyone I blog..well minus a couple people. We shall see. Its not like someone couldnt somehow come across my page.( double neg.. i kno dont care :P) If i broadcast it I may get more traffic in here. Mostly curious eyes and those tormented by boredom..but hey its people nonetheless.

Btw i had an Amazing chill day. I read, surfed the net, ate sum.good food in my place of residence ( no eating out for me), n had finished the day off with relax combo#idk strawberry icecream,bubble bath, dim lights n music. Now im blogging myself to sleep (instead of counting sheepies
I guess). Actually im tired, pooped this little mind massage has been soothing. Deeply relaxing.
Toodles Bspot mwah

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What If

I wish I could go back to the day I met you and walk away

What would have been we never met that day

I never caught your eye and you never caught mine

Would my life be sublime?

What if we could turn the hands of time?

And plan to avert

To avoid the pain and hurt

If people could really start again

Would we even have relationship

Would we even be friends

If I could make things afresh and anew

I would have nothing to do with you

Encounter

One look stopped me in my tracks

From there I was on a mission

I already had it envisioned

Seduce and conquer

You would be mines

If only for one Night

As Luther did sing

U gone like this shit

But I don’t need a ring

I need a right now

It’s only a matter of how

So I sashayed

I didn’t have to use words

I laughed at the right time

Gave you the eye

Even let your body brush my thigh

Subtle hints

Disguised my demands

I know you wanted it

So I set forth plans

Danced

So you could see the roll of my hips

With the song I sang, paused, and licked my lips

Took a couple of drinks

So you would think I was loosey goosey

Got myself in a trance thinking of how you would use me

But how to get you alone

The next target on my list

But ah hah, your on it

Didn’t even have to wish

Made your way to my private sanctuary

Where I bow my head and close my eyes

Instead of the usual soft breathing

Commenced your groans and my sighs

Yea.

knew from that first look that we would see eye to eye

we didn’t even have to try.

So intense, your rock and my motion

Ecstasy the only emotion

And then an explosion

Again?

Again?

Aight honey, we don’t need a break

Get it all before its to late

Because just how our bodies didn’t have to imply Hi

Eventually it was gonna be goodbye..

And we have to leave satisfied…

Reliable

Sometimes I wonder if you can rely on anyone in this world? I count on my parents, my family, and myself. But can you even really depend on them? We are all fallible creatures. For that reason alone should one expect the worst out of someone, or even have no expectations at all. Is this where hope and faith play their roles? Should you allow people to be innocent until they are proven guilty when it comes to reliability? Or assume they are guilty and wont be reliable until they have a proven track record of coming through when you need them and even when you don't? I wonder which stance I should take. Which will lead to less dissapointment?

What about when someone consistently proves that they are unreliable? The people who say they will do things and don't. You call them in crisis and they are unresponsive. Why continue to subject yourself to their nonsense? They are inconsistent. Is it because you like them... You enjoy their company.. they have been around so long you are soooo used to them..or even because of Love?

Its hard to let people go, especially when you have created deep attachments and special bonds. Honestly though if people were to cut off everyone who has done them wrong would any relationships exist? Then again wouldn't it be better to eliminate those who are on their third fourth and fifth rounds of being sources of pain and anguish.

Human dilemmas and tragedies are for the birds. I think I will just live and stop wondering for now because our habits as people don't make sense.

New Year-Determined

Life is flying by expeditiously and I feel like I am barely hanging on in this rush.

Everything is happening soooo quickly. I am already in my second term in grad school. My christmas break is over and I am headed back to grind at school for the next ten months. I know i will have my masters at the end of it, but it is going by so quickly that i'm not sure if I am grasping everything. I am passing of course, but is the information truly ingrained. Im not certain.

I also don't feel invested in this process. I need to get my mind right and wrapped around it, however, despite my daily pep talk I still find myself drifting back into either la la land or a lazy slump.

I gotta find a life out there by school. I am detached and need a connections. I guess that would be my New Years Resolution. I resolve to do better. My father is always telling me I am doing this so I can have a better future, for my kids, and its way bigger than just me. Its hard to make the concept will me to move, to do. It does not inspire the passion that I seek. I am thoroughly intrigued by some of the things I am learning. I wish I could do the application part. Maybe that is what I lack, the hands on aspect.

I need a job in the field ::crosses fingers::. I hope I get one. I WILL get one.

Determined

Bye BSpot..aaahhhh much better