OMFG!

I am absolutely and totally encompassed with frustration. I could just pull my hair out and run screaming like a possessed mad woman down the streets. OH to lament in sack-cloth and ashes! Woe is life. I tend to over dramatize sometime, but I have this pent up feeling inside. The tension is real from my head to my toes. I feel it in my fingernails. WTF!

Transitionary periods are never easy. Change is hard. An although I sound very cliche' right now it is ever so true. I never felt like such a maniac. I wish making choices was so much easier. I, I am actually feeling stressed. I dont like it. I do not like it one bit. My father says not use the words confused. I am exploring my options. Positive cognition I guess, but it is a mask for the anquish I feel! I like being resolute.Secure in the next step. I have so much to offer. I hate being a jack of all trades and a master of none. My passion and motivation for what I have decided to major in has dissapated. I have interest in it, but i feel as though it is not my calling. Is it psychotic to believe in destiny? Well, i just know that the plan that you are "supposed" to take is not the one I feel comfortable with right now. Im am appalled and digusted by it. I feel the bile rise to my throat as I type about "the process" of college-to-grad school-to post doc-to career. Im so not into it.

I do not think I am the person for structure. Daddy always called me his flower girl. I think its time to walk in that calling and pursue some things that make me happy. I am young. This is my time. If I have to be destitute, I want to basically "do me". Well not exactly destitute, I dont really think you can really be poor poor poor in this day an age and truly be completely happy with life. You could be happy with yourself as a person but the life your leading, hunger and lack of shelter...NO BUENO..

Things I WANT TO DO

Study Art

Live in another country

Wake up one morning run to the ocean draw or write and put that drawing or message in a bottle and set it free.

Go to a rainforest to take pictures

Read MANY MANY books

Meet the authors of some of those books

start a charity

Ski

Do something I am afraid of

Eat something I would never dare

Tell someone I am interested in the truth

take dance lessons like salsa and ballroom dancing

Go to a fancy banquet and wear an expensive gown

Stay in an old palace and run barefoot in it!

Travel

Get married or have a mindblowing romance

Travel with that person lol

have some kiddies

Teach a class

Be a makeup artist

Create and wear some of my designs

Help people

Advise people

Read Read Read some more

be and editor

Study abroad

Learn a foriegn language

Cook dishes from other nations

Get a masters maybe a PH.D

Own some kind of realestate

refurbish a building..or maybe a room

make money and give it to someone who needs it.

The list goes on..I think I will add a little on every post

Whether it be things I would like to do, or things about myself I would like to improve.

I really do love myself...I like this quote from Ralph Ellison Invisible Man

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~ Ralph Ellison, "Invisible Man"

I can only be me. I can ask myself what will make me happy and what will I do with my life. People are constantly trying to advise me because of the way their life has turned out. They dont want me to become stuck or become a statistic. The thing is I dont care how you lived your life. I am going to live mine. I feel revolutionary. Like a free thinker. I am no longer captive to the whims of the masses. This is my independence day!

I really do love me despite my frustrations and I love these girls too!!

What happened

I never knew i could enjoy solitude so much. I keep waiting for boredom to rear its head and interrupt, however it is kept at bay and I remain in peace. No restlessness torments me. Only a few weeks ago was afflicted at just the thought of solitude, even though that was my current state and not just cognitive whims. Now I'm engrossed in this. I sit on the floor of my room, sitting thinking, feeling a small breeze in this heat. I listen to the pleasant sounds emanating from the speakers of my computer. I paint my nails. I am Happy. Happiness seemed so difficult to attain. At this moment, happiness seems simplistic, like BAM here it is. No intense effort was done to produce it, it just exists. It it what it is. I am pleased.

Today was a good day

Sooo today I took a seat on nature and found my self relaxing in a world of grassy wonder. Why, simply because I wonder why others did so. How could you lay on such itchy grass with no blanket. A phenomenon, that i decided to explore.

The previous sentences were from another day. I did not complete that blog. However I want to talk about something else. Now I will proceed in doing so. I am not happy with the direction my life is going in. It is so serious. My career choice. I dont want to live life so serious. I also do not want to be poor. I so dont know what i want to do with my life. Psychology seemed so promising at the begininng and over these past couple years my interest in it is on a swift decline. I do not complete abhor it, but im not sure if it is right for me. I need direction. I need it fast because my education at this stage is coming to a close and I need to move to the next phase. I think I should take a year off, but i dont want to take one and still be filled with such uncertainty or get stuck in some horrid job. I just dont know anymore. I am told to get closer to God and turn to the Lord and there I will find my way. It sounds so easy.
I just dont want to that. Im dont want to find out that if I do that I will sudennly have to become some worker for the church or something. I really just dont know Mang!

I do wanna stop with school. Im so looking forward to January. FREEDOM!
Im going to try to save so I wont be broke during that period of trying to figure out what to do with my life. I just dont know what the fuck to do! pssshhhaah..im getting frustrasted!

Lamentations

Today is a dismal day. The rain is representation of the tears that refuse to fall down my cheek in spite of the fact that I am overwhelmed with sadness. Oh its not sooo bad I tell myself( By the way Bspot I am dramatic so don't take this at a REALLY Serious situation), but i do feel rather down. Homesickness is dreadful! I never missed home so much and I have been away in school for a number of years.

Learning Experiences
I hate them. I declare it! They always are the worst when you are enduring through them. I wish I could skip to the reminiscent period. Only two more weeks left of time to serve, no I am not a jail bird. The statement is just analogous. Thank God for small blessings, such as good friendship, good mentors, and gaining knowledge. If only the rest was equally satisfying. Enough of that.

Call me Miss (fill in the blank) if ya nasty
I just recalled that in my last post I was attempting to introduce myself. Oh how my mind doth leave me sometimes.. Ha! I guess its my age showing lmao. The question of the moment is how to I introduce my without revealing my identity. I cant get too Personal. Hopefully Bspot you can discern feminity from my writing because I am All woman. I was always a girly girl and I have a taste for beautiful things. People and goodies!
I desire the finer things in life. The wining and dining. The traveling. Places to go and get dressed up for the sake of being fancy. Is that too much to ask for? I love clothes, I love designing. I am a Creative individual at heart even though my current career path does expose that part of my nature. ( Im sure i will rant and rave about this factor later Gator, it causes me much turmoil)
I just read the header of this paragraph. Miss...if ya nasty. It made me amused..again. I dont know why. Anywho I will continue to write at another time because I do have a life outside of the blog!

I AM OUT

MEwriteMeXpressed

Introduction

Hello Bspot,
I guess you'll be my equivalent to ma g-spot because this is my way to verbally get off. I get a high off writing whats inside. Its a balm. Its a feel good thing. Its Ecstasy.
I am ever so thrilled to have found you. Thanks FAVoCUZZo for the introduction.
Now I will introduce myself.
Hi. I'm Me.
I'm daily discovering the Me Mystery. Sherlock should be my a.k.a because I'm unearthing this person that I am. Its a treasure hunt for sure. There is ALOT of uncertainty, but it comes with the territory of youth. Right?
I'm not THAT young, like on childhood's back steps. I am a lovely young adult. PROUD of it world!
I am definitely not trying to rush life. At least not anymore. I remember wishing i was older so I can do this and that. Not anymore. I am going to enjoy every moment. "Eat and Drink, for tomorrow we die" Soooooo my motto..I will Seize the Day!

I just realized I'm failing at this introduction. At least Bspot you have seen how all over the place I am. I will blame it on the fact that my eyes are heavy and dreaming beckons me. I guess i should say goodnight and try again tomorrow. FAREWELL

MEwriteMeXpressed

Established

It seems that everything has its beginning. Something must be founded. Entities must be established to then go forth and do what ever its purpose may be. So today I stand on this rock, theoretically ( I guess), and claim this blog as my own.

Est. July 21, 2009
MEwriteMeXpressed