I am absolutely and totally encompassed with frustration. I could just pull my hair out and run screaming like a possessed mad woman down the streets. OH to lament in sack-cloth and ashes! Woe is life. I tend to over dramatize sometime, but I have this pent up feeling inside. The tension is real from my head to my toes. I feel it in my fingernails. WTF!
Transitionary periods are never easy. Change is hard. An although I sound very cliche' right now it is ever so true. I never felt like such a maniac. I wish making choices was so much easier. I, I am actually feeling stressed. I dont like it. I do not like it one bit. My father says not use the words confused. I am exploring my options. Positive cognition I guess, but it is a mask for the anquish I feel! I like being resolute.Secure in the next step. I have so much to offer. I hate being a jack of all trades and a master of none. My passion and motivation for what I have decided to major in has dissapated. I have interest in it, but i feel as though it is not my calling. Is it psychotic to believe in destiny? Well, i just know that the plan that you are "supposed" to take is not the one I feel comfortable with right now. Im am appalled and digusted by it. I feel the bile rise to my throat as I type about "the process" of college-to-grad school-to post doc-to career. Im so not into it.
I do not think I am the person for structure. Daddy always called me his flower girl. I think its time to walk in that calling and pursue some things that make me happy. I am young. This is my time. If I have to be destitute, I want to basically "do me". Well not exactly destitute, I dont really think you can really be poor poor poor in this day an age and truly be completely happy with life. You could be happy with yourself as a person but the life your leading, hunger and lack of shelter...NO BUENO..
Things I WANT TO DO
Study Art
Live in another country
Wake up one morning run to the ocean draw or write and put that drawing or message in a bottle and set it free.
Go to a rainforest to take pictures
Read MANY MANY books
Meet the authors of some of those books
start a charity
Ski
Do something I am afraid of
Eat something I would never dare
Tell someone I am interested in the truth
take dance lessons like salsa and ballroom dancing
Go to a fancy banquet and wear an expensive gown
Stay in an old palace and run barefoot in it!
Travel
Get married or have a mindblowing romance
Travel with that person lol
have some kiddies
Teach a class
Be a makeup artist
Create and wear some of my designs
Help people
Advise people
Read Read Read some more
be and editor
Study abroad
Learn a foriegn language
Cook dishes from other nations
Get a masters maybe a PH.D
Own some kind of realestate
refurbish a building..or maybe a room
make money and give it to someone who needs it.
The list goes on..I think I will add a little on every post
Whether it be things I would like to do, or things about myself I would like to improve.
I really do love myself...I like this quote from Ralph Ellison Invisible Man
All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~ Ralph Ellison, "Invisible Man"
I can only be me. I can ask myself what will make me happy and what will I do with my life. People are constantly trying to advise me because of the way their life has turned out. They dont want me to become stuck or become a statistic. The thing is I dont care how you lived your life. I am going to live mine. I feel revolutionary. Like a free thinker. I am no longer captive to the whims of the masses. This is my independence day!
I really do love me despite my frustrations and I love these girls too!!
